“Cavemen Did Not Wear Underwear”
It’s been a long week, but CTGML is back. (Provisional joke, which I will rescind if everyone hates it: It’s time to stop putting country first, and go back to putting cunt first!)
First of all, thanks the The Scotsman for naming us “Website of the Week!” Scotsmen and -women, please submit your stories. Secondly, the winning Halloween contest entry. In the past, we’ve heard from Cecily about hooking up with an ex, then meeting her boyfriend in beery circumstances. Now she returns to tell us what happened to her on Halloween two years ago.
When it all began, she writes, “I was sick, some kind of mysterious death flu, and wasn’t planning on going anywhere. But my friend talked me into it, she had a great costume and figured she’d win this costume contest at a local bar. It was $500 or something, so I eventually agreed. The friend’s costume was ‘rock out with your cock out,’ a giant penis costume carrying a toy electric guitar. As to whether or not she got laid, I’d have to say yes; she’d been dating this guy who showed up paradoxically dressed as a baby, bonnet, pacifier, diaper. The baby was grinding on the giant cock all night (i know that sounds bad, but it looked worse).” Heh! “I wore the past year’s costume, slutty schoolgirl, which consisted of a prep school skirt and blouse with the embroidered logo, both purchased at a thrift store. My housemate had one of those fake knives that look like they’re stuck into your chest, which I borrowed and called the whole outfit ‘slutty girl who dies first in the horror movie.’ I know it’s bad when you have to decide what your costume theme is based on what you’re wearing.”
If you can’t find a crested blouse at the thrift store, perhaps you could assemble your own?
They had two friends, “Nick” and “Nora,” who lived near the bar they wanted to go to, so they started out partying there. “They had a tiny baby who was dressed in a very cute Pooh bear outfit having just gone trick or treating. Nick had not gone trick-or-treating with the wife and kid, and there was a lot of tension about this. I’d met him a few times before and thought he was entirely too irresponsible to have a family. Anyway, we made it to the bars and copious drinking ensued.”
“I started talking to a guy dressed as a houseplant and lost track of ‘rock out with your cock out’ and the others. There were multiple bars and clubs with parties within the same block and it turned into one big crazy mess that you couldn’t even walk through. I ran into my friend Shaun. He had a paper grocery bag positioned at crotch level with the words “Free Candy” written on it. Inside the bag was some candy and Shaun’s dick (later that evening I saw him with some girl whose hand was permanently inside the candy bag).” So many costume ideas in this story. However, did he walk around all night with his dick inside a bag of candy? That sounds so uncomfortable.
“Being sick, I wasn’t having the best time ever, so I found Nick and asked if I could crash on his couch.” He walked her home and she did just that, but “a few minutes later, Todd crawled onto the couch with me. I said something to the effect of ‘what the fuck, I’m not going to sleep with you with your wife in the next room, dumbass.’ For some reason he felt the need to tell me all about his ‘open marriage,’ I didn’t buy it, I pushed him off the couch, got my stuff and left.” People who really are in open marriages are the real victims here; no one ever believes them.
But the people who write in to this website are heroes in their own way. If you’ve ever asked yourself, What the hell does it take to get laid? Why is it so difficult?, let this story inspire you. Sick, traumatized and sleepy, Cecily could have given up and sought out another place to rest. Instead, she returned to the bar. “I realized I could either feel miserable all night or drink until I felt better. I chose the later. At the bar I ran into Tarzan. He was wearing pretty much just a piece of leopard-print fabric. He was quite pleased with the fact that he was not wearing underwear — ‘cavemen did not wear underwear’ — and [he] showed me as much.”
“I’d always had a bit of a crush on Tarzan, he was always the crazy guy at parties who would get drunk and do something completely ridiculous. A few months earlier, we’d both gotten wasted and taken naked pictures of each other, yet somehow didn’t hook up. I told him the Nick saga and how I’d resolved to kill the flu with tequila. Tarzan and I ended up at his place. It turned into this very chill drunken fuck buddy relationship.”
I never asked whether these adventures cured the flu or made it worse, but it doesn’t matter. This story shows what an ordinary person can accomplish if they set aside personal comfort for a higher goal, and wear a really short skirt.