“There’s One Pickup Trick That Works on Me Every Time”

Pickup artists:  What do we think of them?  All the other feminists seem to be mad at ’em; for example, here’s this Jezebel post, complaining about Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society etc. etc., for being  “a man who made himself famous writing about the way to get a woman into bed.”   She’s right, that’s not fair!  I’m always writing about the way to get people into bed, but I don’t seem to be getting famous at all!  That injustice aside, though, it doesn’t really bother me when guys try to get women into bed, because if they didn’t, the human race would, like, go extinct and stuff.  Also, they (PUAs) tend to be vilified for inventing ridiculous slang, and instructing men to start conversations by asking “do you floss before or after you brush?”  But I don’t care!  I’m sick and tired of toiling in obscurity!  Neil Strauss, if you’re reading this, I am available to apply my sartorial acumen to any of your various multi-million-dollar projects.  Hit up my e-mail.

Our heroine, Lucy, made some cash in this line of work; in fact, that’s how our story begins.  A young NYC resident, she answered a Craigslist ad that basically “was just like ‘talk for 15 minutes on camera!  Make $50!”  So I did it.”  It turned out to be not quite as sketchy as it sounds.  The videos were for a subscriber-only website that featured clips of “guys talking to cute girls,” for instructional purposes, so that other guys could learn by example.  She played the role of “cute girl” in a couple of clips, and ended up becoming friends with “Erik,”  who worked for the website’s company.

She didn’t want to be anything more than friends, though.  “He’s good looking, but not really my type (to be honest).  Too blond.”  Did he try to wear down her resistance?  Did he “build attraction” by “demonstrating higher value,” as a master pickup artist would do?  Lucy claims he does not use those skills on her, because “I’ve known him for a while and I see through it all!!!”  But he must have been doing something right, because it turns out that they had a “friend hookup” once this past summer.  How did he make it happen?  “I forgot, there’s one pickup trick that he kind of used on me that works every time, even when I know what’s going on. I don’t know if every PUA does this, but the guys I know will do it.  If the girl seems a little resistant or shy or whatever, they’ll be like ‘why don’t you come over and we’ll just cuddle?’, you know?  ‘Let’s cuddle’ is practically code to me now.”  It works better than the direct approach, she says, because “If he had said ‘hey why don’t you stay so we can DO IT,’ I probably would have been like …. ‘oh, it’s 4 a.m.?  Not that late, I can brave an hour train ride.'”  Hmm, I guess she’s right.  “Why don’t you stay so we can DO IT” has a certain Beavis and Butthead charm, but it never seemed to work when those guys used it.

Master pickup artists? Huh huh, you said "master."

One night a couple of weeks ago, she had some pickup plans of her own.  “I went out with the plan to seduce a particular guy.  He’s a friend of a friend and we met at a party a few weeks ago, then hung out again more recently in a more intimate setting.”  (She and “Blake” had been hanging out with her other guy friend and that dude’s love interest.)  “So we had been G-chatting a lot and we planned to meet up on Saturday night, and since I met him through that mutual guy friend, I assumed he would be there too. But he wasn’t, so I ended up hanging out with this new guy.”

She had planned her outfit carefully.  “I wore this purple tank top from Mango that’s a wool jersey and very low cut in a V and pleated, so the bottom is loose but the fabric is drapey so it’s really flattering. I’ve gotten laid at least twice in this shirt, and I think it’s because it’s so low.”  Its effect must be subtle, though, because “People compliment me on so many things when I wear it! My jacket, my necklace, my haircut, the shirt itself. Or they ask if I’ve lost weight or something.”

Ella Moss tank

Velvet tank

(Why’s that picture so small?  You get the idea though; another tank top here.)

“I also wore a white Club Monaco blazer, black skinny jeans rolled up a little, and these beautiful Charles Nolan kitten-heel blue suede pumps with a perfectly shaped almond toe and the best cut on top showing just the right amount of toe cleavage. And I hate saying toe cleavage.”  I couldn’t find these damn shoes, but I did the best I could.

Paige black jeans

Blue suede peep-toe pumps

Jessica Simpson blue suede pumps

They had a typical bar-hopping night, “went to other venues, he left and came back, etc.”  Along the way, they met up with some other people, including her friends Erik and the other dudes from the PUA business, and they all joined forces.  It was a fun night, “but [Blake] had just twisted his ankle and wasn’t allowed to drink because of his pain pills, so he was totally stone-cold sober while I got more and more housed. Then around 2 he said he was tired and going home and he’d walk me to my subway station (different from his station) but I was pretty fuzzy at that point, and I was thinking you know… if nothing’s going to happen, then I kind of want to stay here with my friends.  So I said I’d stay and he left, and I went over to join my friends at the table where they were sitting.”

The whole gang sat and drank for a while, and then decided they would go to Erik’s house and play beer blackjack.  “But since it was past 3, we couldn’t buy beer, and instead we went for wraps across the street.”  Then they went to his place “and ate and drank whatever was in the fridge and then it was about 5, and everyone started going home.”  Erik “told one guy he could sleep on the couch (he lived on that couch for a month when he first moved to town) and told me that I was welcome to stay if I wanted (which I’ve done before, platonically).”

“So when I stay there, I stay with him in the bed, and so he gave me some pajamas and we got in bed and we always talk for awhile before sleeping, especially when we’re so drunk and he’s so high, but instead of staying on our sides this time, he had kind of trapped one of my legs between his. We were kind of getting closer and closer while talking, and then he was teasing me about something, and then he was tickling me and I was kind of screaming and laughing, and then he was kissing me really aggressively, and I was surprised, but drunk and so I went with it.”

“It was very drunk sex though, I had to stop and get water before going down on him, and then I had to stop again for more water after we started doing it, then again, then finally we both had to get water and when we came back we kind of just fell on the bed and went to sleep. There was some talk earlier of him not wanting to come yet and holding back, but I don’t think he did, in the end.”  Isn’t that always the way?  Why do drunk guys always think they’re about to come, and then they never do?  “I searched for evidence and there was none.”  The jizz detective!

The disappointing failure of this investigation, though, paled in comparison to the next day’s tragic coda.  “In the morning, I was completely hung over and I got up and watched cartoons with [Erik] on the couch. Then we all went for brunch and I had a great burger and fries, and I only ate half so I could eat the second half for dinner, but then I went to a sample sale and had to check my bag at the front and forgot it! I didn’t realize it till I got home (like 45 minutes away) and I was THIS close to going back for it. It was so awesome, it had blue cheese and portobello mushrooms.”  No word yet on what happened with Blake.