“I Got Laid, But My Life Is Now Hideously Dramatic”

You know, loyal readers, I’m always snappin’ on people like Charles M. Blow (here, for instance) for saying that the existence of casual sex negates the sacred human values of trust, caring and integrity.  Yes, this op-ed is old, but it’s still as hilarious as ever!  He phoned up a university professor to help him understand the “strange phenomenon” of hooking up, which he also says is a “strange culture”!  Charles M. Blow could learn a lot about the topsy-turvy new world of sex by reading this blog.  But what can we learn from him?  What about those times when Charles M. Blow is right — when the simple hookup that you undertook with an attitude of devil-may-care insouciance comes back to bite you in the ass, stirring up primal emotions and feelings, causing your façade of carefree sophistication to tumble all around you like a flimsy house of cards?  What will you do when you find that you’ve unconscionably trifled with the finer feelings and elevated sentiments of one of God’s fellow creatures, luring him to perdition and grief with your sensual wiles, you temptress?

Charles M. Blow doesn’t actually say that will happen; he just says that hooking up “isn’t a good way to find a spouse.”  But today’s story proves that it can happen.  It’s hardly fair, is it?  All you were trying to do was spread some joy in this cold and bitter world. But just look at Margaret’s experience.

Margaret wrote in to us a few months ago, about a relatively trouble-free fling she had with a freshman at her university.  But now, things have gotten more complicated.  Margaret has two friends who are also friends with each other.  Of the two, she has a big crush on “Rupert.”    He’s “really really sweet but also kind of sarcastic and funny, we have the same interests, he loves books and films and tea, and when I talk to him I end up forgetting my troubles.”  Good grief.  This is right on the verge of being twee.  He studies art, and before that “he studied Animal Biology, which is awesome because I was [once] a science geek, and also, he worked in a zoo!  Which sounds cool even if it actually was just shoveling poop all day.”

Meanwhile, “Gerald” has a big crush on her.  But as far as she’s concerned, he’s just a friend, and with good reason.   He’s a few years younger than Rupert, and lacks some of his worldly sophistication.  They both study the same subject, which “can get annoying because we both have really strong opposing viewpoints and Gerald likes to debate these a lot, and I am kind of like, ‘can we just shut up and watch Indiana Jones please!'”

Thus, a classic love triangle.  Then one night a couple of weeks ago, all three of them were hanging out.  “I got very very drunk on cheap scotch.”  Somehow she ended up alone with Gerald.  They “were messing around and somehow this led to some kissing.  Which then led to him leading me to his room, and then we had sex.”  I didn’t get a report on whether it was fun or not, because Margaret claims the sex “wasn’t the point.”  She was more eager to point out that she was wearing the very same dress she had on when she first encountered “Fresher” in the previous story.  “It is not low-cut and it’s quite loose and… like a big t-shirt with pretty flowers on the neckline. Are big t-shirts sexy?”   Let the people be the judge; I convinced her to send me a photo.

White dress

White dress

In the e-mail she originally sent to me, Margaret continued as follows:  “Sleeping with Gerald was quite a retarded thing to do… [but] I actually consider him quite a good friend, so it’s not the most terrible thing that’s ever happened that we slept together, it’s not awkward or anything between us.”

However, a week passed before Margaret got around to sending me pictures of the dress.  During that time, the situation deteriorated.  She and Gerald had a serious talk:  “It turns out that Gerald actually really likes me quite a lot. For me, the situation was like, ‘haha, I got drunk and slept with this guy, that was a bit silly, seeing as I like his friend,’ but now everything is awkward and horrible and I can’t do anything with Rupert because it would make Gerald cry.  Gerald chose to wait ’til a few days after we had sex to tell me this as well, if I knew before, I clearly wouldn’t have slept with him (I don’t think).”

“And now that he has told me, I’m really aware of how I act around Rupert when Gerald’s there, trying not to be too flirty, and also I am really aware of how I act around Gerald, like I’m trying to be normal but I don’t want to be too nice in case he thinks that I secretly love him, but not too nasty because it’s not his fault that he is a little bit in love with me, and I still want to be his friend….  Argh! I think this has turned into a clothes that got me laid FAIL. Well, win in the sense that I did get laid, fail in the sense that my life is now hideously dramatic because of it.”

That sounds really awkward.  It’s too late to do anything about it now, so let’s try to figure out what it is about this dress.

Winning outfit

Winning outfit

Above is the full outfit, including brown tights, brown cardigan, gold belt and gold flats.  Margaret finally concludes that “I think I’ve figured out the secret of the magic dress:  You can see the whole of my legs. It is like I am not even wearing a skirt.”  What do you guys think?

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11 Responses to ““I Got Laid, But My Life Is Now Hideously Dramatic””

  1. enjoyed reading your post

  2. Yup – it’s loose, but, A, it’s belted, so then it’s not so loose, and B, lots of legs!

    (PS, Who’s Jack?)

  3. I have a white dress almost IDENTICAL to that, only instead of flowers at the top, it has buttons. Short, flowy, and to put it simply, adorable.

    And every time I wear that dress, I end up in a load of trouble.

    I usually opt for bare legs, wearing it in the summer. I think the problem is, while it seems sweet and innocent, it’s actually quite the sexy piece. If it were in any other color, it would be a tarty sort of dress, but the white makes it near virginal, making the guy see you as such. However, there’s that naughty bit that shows lots of leg which suggests you are up for fun, or at the very least, attention.

    When I wear my white dress, I feel like a naughty little girl. I get very flirty and usually, very drunk. And believe me, nothing good has ever come from my wearing the dress. I think I should throw it away. It always ends up in bad decision making, excessive substance abuse, and/or throwing up.

  4. I don’t really have an opinion on the dress, but I do have an opinion on the boy situation, which is that the players in this drama are in exactly the perfect position to have a MMF threesome. Think about it! Margaret gets to fool around with Rupert, on whom she has a crush. Gerald gets to fool around with Margaret, on whom he as a crush. Gerald and Rupert each get to prove their sexual prowess to Margaret, so Margaret is the recipient of each fella’s most fervent affections. IT’S A WIN-WIN-WIN!

  5. What’s the deal with the whole, “hooking up is a bad way to find a spouse” argument? What if you have no interest in finding a spouse? If hooking up spouse-free is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

  6. Jaime, pseudonym error corrected. Sabina, I always think it ought to be a *good* way to find a spouse, if you’re looking for a spouse that likes to fuck all the time.

  7. sporkineye Says:

    i’m with clare. mmf. immediately

  8. When I scrolled down to the photo of the dress I immediately started giggling as I own that exact dress from H&M. I usually wear it by itself with bare legs and cute flat sandals. It’s simple, clean, and way too short.
    I distinctly remember wearing it to a crawfish broil last summer and yes, it got me laid.

  9. A threesome is clearly the answer! Why didn’t I think of that before?

    And that is so funny that you have the same dress, LP. I have not been single in the summer whilst owning that dress, and now I am eager to explore its bare legs/sandals abilities once it gets warm enough not to have to wear it with thick woolly tights…
    I think it is definitely the innocent-seeming-but-actually-quite-sexy thing that makes it. I really couldn’t see how it oculd be so magic, but now it all makes sense! And also, I didn’t realise just how short it was until I took that picture.

  10. Re: dress. Yes, it is short. But I also believe the pleating at the top brings subtle attention to the chest, which, in my experience (as a small-chested girl), very very lucky.

  11. From a man who likes his legs, yep – it’s the legs. Maybe the whole innocence thing too… But mainly the legs.

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