BOOTY SHORTS: In Which the Law Tempers Justice With Mercy

Below, the second installment of our new feature Booty Shorts: shorter-format CTGML stories, featuring escapades and adventures from people who have too many happy memories to choose a favorite.  This one is also from Philia.

“Before I started dating my current boyfriend, ‘Devin,’ we were just casually hooking up, during this past summer. Now, both being in college, and home for the break, but still casual, for some reason we didn’t ever go to each other’s houses to hook up — which means that we had to be creative.”  Yeah, who hooks up inside a house these days?  How are you supposed to feel informal with a bunch of perpendicular-ass walls and ceilings boxing you in? I mean, you might as well be doing it in the Kennedy Center or something.   (Seriously, though, that is one fuckin’ casual relationship.  That guy Charles M. Blow is going to freak out when he hears this is what the kids are up to now.)

“One time, I was possibly a little too creative when I suggested we go to a playground a few minutes from my house.  We seriously contemplated hooking up ON the actual playground (and okay I’ll admit it, I’ve done it before, on multiple playgrounds, and I’m sorry kids, I really am) but decided that that was a little too obvious, so we moved things over to a picnic table.”

“We we hot and heavy in the middle of things, me on top (of fucking course) when all the sudden two incredibly bright lights swept over our naked bodies (a sensation I should be getting used to by now I guess).”

“Uh… could you guys… clean yourselves up and… ugh… get up here?”

“So we did what anyone would do, namely, camo-rolled to the ground and scrambled to put our clothes on. Then we confronted the bright lights as we walked up the hill,” Philia trying with her facial expession and posture to convey the attitude “Excuse me officer, but I clearly was not doing anything wrong.”

“The officer talked to us for a while and took our IDs, but I think when he realized that we were both well over age, completely sober, and obviously just really stupid or really horny, he took pity on us, because he came back from his police car and said (in, again, one of my proudest moments),

“Yeah, so, just go find someplace else to finish.”

“And so we did.”

Clothes worn on this adventure: BDG jeans from Urban Outfitters, “some sort of black top,” flip-flops.

{IRONIC POSTSCRIPT: By chance, the same officer pulled her over about a week and a half later for talking on a cell phone while driving. “Yes, he definitely recognized me although he didn’t say anything outright, and he gave me a way to get out of my ticket, so my only possible conclusion here is that I look damn good naked.”}


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