“I Was Very Excited About Having Sex for the First Time”

A few nights ago, I conducted one of my most exciting interviews yet, and this story is the result!  It all begins in December 1988, when “Walter” was 13.  In that month, he ended up in a psychiatric hospital because he was suffering from depression and possible suicidal tendencies.  Also, he had “been dealing drugs for about six months.”  “The straw that broke the camel’s back” was when he started carrying around a .45; “three guys tried to jack me, and I emptied a clip into their car.”  That’s all it takes, I suppose.  The powers that be placed him an institution that I don’t want to say the real name of, but will call Santa Fe Springs Psychiatric (after the one in this wonderful book by John Darnielle).

Depressed he may have been, but it seems as if he tolerated his time in there okay.  Walter is an enterprising guy, and “when I got my first day pass, I got out and mailed myself half a sheet of acid, an ounce of pot in a Colgate pump dispenser bottle, and ten packs of cigarettes.”  He made thousands of dollars by selling these items!  Naturally, this capitalist activity attracted the attention of a young lady.  “There was a girl named ‘Ginny Blade.’  She was seventeen.”  She was bipolar, he thinks.   “I was a virgin, and she found about about it.”   Ordinarily, one would be all like “thirteen-year-old is a virgin, alert the media,” but in this case it’s sort of surprising, because drug dealers tend to get a lot of pussy.

Ginny Blade “decided to take my virginity.”   She advised him of her decision.  “I was very excited about having sex for the first time.”  But “it wasn’t easy to fuck in SFS.”  They talked over how they would accomplish it, and “devised a plan” — she came up with the outlines, and he “gave input.”  A couple of days passed, and they put their plan into action.

First of all, you must understand that the floor they were on was shaped like a T, with two halls of boys’ rooms, one hall of girls’ rooms running perpendicular, and the nurses’ station in the middle.   One the night in question, Ginny got things going by faking some sort of fit, or nervous breakdown, or whatever you want to call it:  She would “went off, started screaming, punchin’ walls.”  The standard procedure for episodes like this in SFS was that the person who was having a freakout out would get taken to the “quiet room” and left there overnight.  Walter notes that the appellation “quiet room” was ironic, because the people that were put in there made “so much goddamn noise.”  They would keep him awake at night — crucially for out story, his room was two doors down.

So they “called green on her, the staff bum-rushes her, restrains her,” and locked her in.  After a few minutes she quieted down and the nurses stopped paying attention.  Walter was able to leave his room and walk down the hallway without being observed.  The quiet room did not lock from the outside, just from the inside — I suppose on the supposition that no one wanted to go in there.  He opened the door and went in.  He had brought a wad of toilet paper, which he positioned over the latch so it wouldn’t lock again when the door was closed.  I was impressed at how they thought through all the angles, but “you get to know your way around a psych ward.”

So they took off their clothes.  She was wearing pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt, he was wearing Levi’s 501s, no underwear, and an Anthrax Among the Living t-shirt.

Anthrax t-shirt

Anthrax t-shirt

As foreplay, he “sucked on my little 13-year-old cock” and he “licked on her vagina.”  “I wasn’t quite hip to the clitoris, but I did the best I could.”  It seemed to go okay.  “Then the time came, the time of insertion.  Me and Ginny Blad began to have sex.  It was great, especially for a 13-year-old, depressed, possibly suicidal drug dealer.  It lasted about a minute and a half.”  In this part of the interview, Walter and and I proceeded to enjoy several minutes of hilarious banter about how long he might or might not be able to last at the present time: “I can double that now.”

When it was all over, he had to sneak out and go back to bed; she had to stay in there all night.  The wad of toilet paper held up, so his escape was also successful.   Walter adds that “how she wiped the jizz off” remains a mystery, because she had literally nothing in there with her.  We speculated about that for a while, but I’ll spare you.

After this memorable incident, he remained in V-CAF for three more weeks.  The two of them rarely spoke during that time, but they did exchange phone numbers when he left.  We don’t know what happened to Ginny in later life, but wish her well.  Walter is now a happy adult in a successful two-year relationship.  As people will do once you get them started talking, he offered some wardrobe advice for guys.  While he was wearing Levi’s in today’s anecdote, “now, I wear Wild Ass brand logger jeans.  I had to ask an old logger, ‘What kind of jeans are those?’, and he looked at me like I was a faggot.”

Wild Ass

Wild Ass

His other new thing that he’s been enjoying in recent years is to wear lots of bright colors, like an all-red outfit.  “It got me laid, and I’d recommend it to any dude out there.  Also, a vasectomy wouldn’t hurt.”

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9 Responses to ““I Was Very Excited About Having Sex for the First Time””

  1. How do I look at old blogs? I’m a master of the interweb, yet I’m stumped! I wanted to show a friend one of your blogs where you talk about how females should give us lads more sex. It was the most inspiring blog I’ve ever read!

  2. You have to scroll to the bottom & click “next entries.” I think Rowan can’t see it because his browser is being squirrelly. As I said to him via e-mail today, don’t frame it as girls needing to “give” you sex, or the battle is already lost! You have to emphasize how they’ll be GETTING a bunch of free cock.

  3. your blog was linked as number four on a list of top funny blogs. Just checking 🙂

  4. themadjewess Says:

    Your all missing it here. Sex is just sex, its when your in LOVE that it is REAL.

  5. I was wondering if you ever thought of changing the page layout of your site?
    Its very well written; I love what youve got to say.

    But maybe you could a little more in the way of content so people could connect with it better.

    Youve got an awful lot of text for only having 1 or 2 images.
    Maybe you could space it out better?

  6. Exactly how long did it require you to compose “I Was Very Excited About Having Sex for the First Time The
    Clothes That Got Me Laid”? It carries an awful lot of decent tips.
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