“He’s From New Jersey, and He’s Too Short”

I interviewed Harmony Korine.   “Just another crazy day in the life of a freelancer,” LOL.

— I was out the other night, and a young woman told me that the lacy fingerless gloves she was wearing were a turn-on for men, and that she had been asked to keep them on during sex.  I wanted to test this idea “in the field,” like a true pickup artist would do, so she agreed to let me borrow them for a few minutes. (I was drunk, so I didn’t think about the hygiene issue, although I probably should have.)  I went and talked to an acquaintance of mine, and I gestured with my hands a lot, but he didn’t seem to want to have sex with me. The jury’s still out on the fingerless glove thing.

New reader “Audrey” is “a female undergrad at my very own Harvard of the south…. This particular sexcapade takes place on Halloween last semester.”  She and her friends “were out and about frat-hopping and I was on the prowl, as I was just getting out of a booty call-based non-relationship, and the booty-caller was no good in bed.  So I needed someone good in bed. Anyhow, I was getting progressively drunker through out the night and so was, well… everyone else.”  I feel like the sentence “I was getting progressively drunker throughout the night” appears in, like, half the stories I post. It is starting to look awfully familiar.

“And so I was doing the nasty but obligatory grindy dance thing (with some guy I didn’t know), where you basically rub your ass against some guy’s junk to the beat of the music until his boner is poking your back.”  Technically, that dance is known as “freaking.” It was the craze sweeping the nation around the time I was in high school, and the parents were all up in arms about how “freak dancing” was corrupting American’s innocent kids.  (I seem to recall they were also worried that headbanging would cause you to get whiplash, especially if you had long hair.  The 90’s were a more innocent time.)  Freaking has indeed become so standard that no one’s even worried about it, but in retrospect, I think the adults were right. A person ought to have some time to decide whom they want to grind their crotch into.  You shouldn’t just rush into a decision as soon as you show up at a party.  It’s uncivilized.

Having an unfamiliar boner applied to your ass is distracting for most people, but it worked out okay for Audrey. It seemed to focus her mind:  “I looked over and saw ‘Duncan.’ He and I were barely acquaintances but earlier that week we did have a fairly substantial conversation about hookah.  Whatev, he’s isn’t really my type, he’s from New Jersey, and he’s too short. But as I looked over at Duncan (who was doing the same dance with some other girl) I decided I didn’t care how not my type he was, so I leaned over and ‘whispered’ (I actually had to shout, frats are in fact quite loud on Halloween), ‘uhm yeah so I dunno what’s going on with you and little missy, but I think we should hook up.'”

“This by the way is something that would never come out of my lips in a regular circumstance” (everyone always says that, too!), “so that’s why I was not so eager to repeat it when he dragged me outside cause he couldn’t hear me… so we just started making out.”

“I looked at him and said ‘you’re pretty good at this (kissing) and the rest is magnum-sized condom history.”  Whoa, what a concept.  You hear lots of variations on the phrase “the rest is history,” but this is the best one yet.  The true story of Magnum-sized condoms and their wearers: the great unwritten chapter in the history of modernity.  I mean if people will buy those books about The History of Baking Soda or whatever, imagine how well this could do.   It would be the perfect stocking stuffer for everyone on your Christmas list.  Why is it, anyway, that “history” always has to be about the most depressing topics?   Why can’t we learn about shit we’re interested in?  I mean, screw the Holocaust Museum, let’s erect a museum about… okay, you get the point.

Anyway, everything was fine “until the morning. As it turns out, Duncan lives in an all-boys dorm… and at 7 o’clock the next morning THE MOTHERFUCKING FIRE ALARM WENT OFF. So this would only be slightly embarrassing except that the clothes that got me so completely laid the night before were not exactly escapee friendly… I had dressed up as Tom Cruise.  So all I had to my name were socks, my white granny panties, and a white oxford.” L-O-fuckin’-L.  “So Duncan and I run out of his room (of course not fast enough to avoid clapping and hollering) and go hide.  But as I said, I wasn’t wearing shoes, and my dorm was all the way across campus so then I had to call my friend to come pick me up.”

American Apparel oxford

American Apparel oxford

Granny panties

Granny panties

“Amber? Can you come pick me up?”
“Where are you???”
“{Name of dorm}”
“OHMYGODHOWWASITWHOISHE!!!!”

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6 Responses to ““He’s From New Jersey, and He’s Too Short””

  1. Emily, being a graduate of the esteemed university of which Audrey speaks, I took particular delight in today’s tale of woah.

    There is only one all-male dorm on campus, as well, so any visitors to our fair city could in fact visit the site of where they made magnum-sized condom history.

    Love the stories, girl – keep ’em comin’!

    (okay, i didn’t even mean to make that pun, I actually just made myself laugh.)

  2. Emily Kennedy Says:

    Fun thing to do in Amsterdam: go to the Sex Museum: http://www.amsterdam-museums.com/museums/sex_museum.html

    There’s another one in New York City: http://www.museumofsex.com/.

    And I thought I read at some point that the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (http://www.iashs.edu/index.html) actually has a huge archive, which used to all be in a sex museum, but now is locked away in a library. You might be able to call ahead and set up an appointment to view some of their holdings though.

    Not to be a nerd, about the whole thing. I just agree with you: the world needs more museums about this important topic!

  3. Too funny. There was a commercial on last night with Hugh Hefner and his playbunnies all dressed up last night like Tom Cruise. It obviously works!

  4. Lots of Good information in your blogpost, I favorited your blog post so I can visit again in the future, Thanks

  5. Great information in your posting, I saw a report on the tv the other day about this same thing and since I am going to be married in two weeks and the timing could not have been better! thanks for the post!

  6. Hey everyone, greetings from Australia. This is a helpful site. Does anyone have any advice on staying out of the friend zone with women? Honestly I’m sick of women telling me they just want to be friends. Perhaps I’m being too much of a nice guy?

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