“Philia! There’s a MAN in Your Bed!”

Today’s post may be a bit less work-safe than usual, if your work objects to your having sexual words on your computer screen.

“Philia” is Ariana‘s friend, and it was Ariana who told her that “when you’re older you’ll understand, sometimes you have sex entirely for the anecdotal value.”  That’s what she did last Halloween.  “Let me preface this by saying that Halloween in New York City is absolutely terrifying.  Not in a “spooky” kind of way,” but because of the drunken crowds.  “It’s essentially like being at the casting call for extras in a low budget porno except plus body paint and masks.”

Last year she got dressed up “as ‘Sloth’ from the Seven Deadly Sins (yeah , totally the sexiest one, thanks friends).”  She was wearing “a grey and white slip from Urban Outfitters,  some fishnet tights, also Urban Outfitters, and depending on which point in the night you’re talking about, a bra and thong.”

UO Slip

UO Slip

UO Fishnets

UO Fishnets

She and the other Deadly Sins headed out to the Halloween Parade, a “massive orgy of intoxication and drag.”   Philia is probably quite a few yours younger than me, but I’m totally feeling her cranky, obstreperous attitude in this part of the story:  “After several minutes I decided that this just wasn’t going to work for me.  As it turns out, I hate people…who knew?”  She needed to escape for her friends’ “brewing drama,” and she had a clever backup plan.  She had exchanged numbers with a dude named “Miles” at a bar in Union Square a couple of weeks previously.  They met through mutual friends or something, and he was pretty hot, with brown hair and a runner’s body.

She phoned him up and “we met at the Fat Cat on Christopher Street in the West Village (an interesting crowd there — including a guy dressed as a scuba diver witha tank full of alcohol drinking it out of a scuba mouthpiece).”   HEY, THAT IS A GREAT IDEA. Not just for Halloween, though.

“So Miles and I had a few drinks and eventually I decided to bring him back to my place (hey, it was Halloween, I was creating a memory, okay?).”  How come chicks always use that as an excuse for sleeping with some guy?  You don’t even need an excuse, but if you did, I think you should use the Andrew Marvell “To His Coy Mistress” “fear of death” rationale.  “Oh, I had to sleep with him, I realized that all my quaint honor’s gonna end up turned to dust anyway!  He was hot, and besides, all around me lie deserts of vast eternity.”    The end result is the same, but it’s a classier line of argument.  When they returned to the dorm, her roommate Ariana was there, and rather than languishing in time’s slow-chapp’d power, she was besporting herself with a young swain, “her usual frat-boy hookup.”

Sexiled!  “I wasn’t about to let Halloween get me down, so we moved to the couch and proceeded to make out there.”  Before things proceeded further, “my phone rang.  I answered and it was my best friend (and also gayest friend, and also most wasted friend) “Marcus” on the other line.

“I’m on my way over. I’m here. I’m here.”

“Paul, you can’t just show up without telling me, I’ve got somebody here.”

“OHHH REALLYY?!”  “Yes, really,” but “at this point Paul broke into tears.  Seriously.”

“Paul, are you sad?” “MAYBE???”

“I sighed, but hey, we’d been best friends since we were 10, so I figured, bros before hos, as it were.”

“Okay Paul. If you’re sad of course you can come over.”  Marcus wasn’t really on his way, though, let alone “here” — I suppose he was just being dramatic.  Once Philia found this out, she decided to have sex with Miles while she waited.  But “the sex did not go well… I gave him a blowjob first and he made me stop because he was going to come, so I was like ‘well… want to have sex?’ and he said ‘sure, but it might be embarrassingly short.'”  Question:  If he was going to do a bad job fucking her, what was the point of stopping the blowjob?  Why didn’t he just come in her mouth?  As long as I live, I will never understand people.

In Philia’s words, “I figured, how short can it be?  We started and about 25 seconds in (yes literally), he was like ‘maybe i should just come now and then we can have sex later’… I said, innocently enough, ‘sure, i come easily {!} so just let me know when you’re going to and I’ll come with you’….  Sure enough that was enough to set him off so he yanked off the condom and came all over me.”  HEH!  How inconsiderate.  Gentleman, I learned a tip about this from reading Ron Jeremy’s autobiography.  In this wonderful book, Mr. Jeremy advises that if you feel you are going to ejaculat too early, there’s nothing wrong with taking a break by switching to a different type of sex act, getting up to go make a sandwich, or even running your dick under cold water!   I’m sure the lady (or whatever) would appreciate it.  There are so many reasons to read Ron Jeremy’s memoirs, that’s barely even scratching the surface.

RJ in younger, but no less hirsute, time

RJ in younger, but no less hirsute, time

Their idea was to wait a while and have sex again, but then Marcus called to to say he was finally “here.”  He didn’t have ID, “so I left Miles in bed and went downstairs to retrieve my wasted friend. As I came out of the elevators I saw my favorite guard, Demos, laughing hysterically and just pointing to the bathroom.”

“A few minutes later Marcus stumbled out.  He was dressed as an Indian.  No, not the Native American kind.”

“There he was, completely out of his mind wasted, dressed in only a vest, a scarf wrapped around his head, a pair of gypsy pants and with a big red dot on his forehead.  Think Aladdin, but gayer and less politically correct.”

“We got into the elevator where we met up with Ariana, who was now drunk, stoned, and had what I’d like to refer to politely as ‘sex hair.’  Once we got into my room it became clear that Marcus wasn’t in fact that sad, and had instead arranged to hook up with one of our mutual friends… at my place.  Yep, he’d invited someone over for himself…to my place.”

“And yes… he showed up.”  About half an hour later “Sextus (dressed as ‘Pride’ — a.k.a. himself) and Titus (dressed as Donkey Kong) stumbled into my room.”  She tried to warn them there was a guy sleeping in her bed.  Then yet another drunken, hysterical friend, “Livia,” showed up.  Philia got to work “pulling Livia’s clothes back on as she cried, while the boys talked and laughed at how drunk Miles was.  I suddenly heard a loud gay shriek coming from the direction of my bedroom.  It was Titus, running out, in his boxers:”


“Yeah… I know.”


“Titus was pretty much under the impression that I had ‘set something up’ for Paul in my room… for the rest of the night.”  This story is way crazier than I even noticed at first.  Who gets suspected of being a procuress, in this day and age?  Total Roman sex comedy vibe, which is why I’ve borrowed some of the names from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.  It doesn’t end there, either.  She explained the situation, but “about an hour passes, and suddenly I hear yet another distinct gay shriek as MARCUS comes running from my room:”


“He’d discovered this upon crawling into bed attempting to fall asleep.  Yeah, my gay best friend crawled into bed with the guy I had just slept with.   Awkward?  Oh no, not at all.”

However awkward this situation was for Philia, “it could never be as embarrassing as Marcus’s walk of shame the next morning.  The Gay Politically Incorrect Indian walking by actual Indians back to his actually Indian roommate and it dawning on him that he had spent his entire night prior to coming to my place hanging out with two actual Indians is really enough payback for me.”

Meanwhile, Philia’s hookup “was very forgiving of the fact that not one but two gay guys had prevented me from sleeping with him and then attempted to sleep with him themselves in the course of his one night stay.”  She never saw him again, though.  By the time their schedules matched up, “I’d gotten into a relationship with someone I’ve known since high school and had been seeing over the summer.  We’ve been dating about two months now and it’s going great — Marcus hasn’t tried to sleep with him and the sex is amazing (and even lasts long enough for me to realize we’re having sex!).”  Ouch, that is a harsh snap.


3 Responses to ““Philia! There’s a MAN in Your Bed!””

  1. Dude – I LOVE that you referenced To His Coy Mistress in this. I have been obsessed with that poem of late, and have been subtly dropping lines into my online messaging names in a subtle reference to exactly how I feel about wasting time in these matters. So – kudos 🙂 and this post was a hilarious story.

  2. The next morning, I awoke to some incredibly gay giggling coming from Philia’s bed. I thought it was Miles, and I was wondering how to tell her about it until I realized that Miles had already left for work, and the giggling was from Marcus. He was still drunk, and he’d crawled into bed with her.

    There are worse ways to wake up.

  3. Ha, I too love Demos.

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