Deep Thoughts in 2009
After the exchange that followed my last post, I really want to know if Charles Darwin got some poontang after he got home from the voyage of the Beagle. If that happened today, you know girls would be spreadin’. Compared to that, being in the faggotty-ass Peace Corps or some shit wouldn’t be worth beans. Just imagine: Some hippie is all trying to impress a girl, telling her how much he learned about himself in the Peace Corps; and then Charles Darwin walks into the room, as cool as a cucumber, and starts telling how he spent five years camping out in Tierra del Fuego and Tahiti, collecting specimens and conducting hydrographic surveys and revolutionizing biology. It would be all over. He wouldn’t even need to be wearing a fancy waistcoat. It strikes me that in the past, distinguished men of science got kind of a raw deal.
We can’t, however, all be irrepressable pussy-magnets like Darwin was. This world is full of regular, hard-working folks who ain’t even ever revolutionized a fantasy baseball league. Those people — “real Americans” — are who(m) this website is for. So I’m going to offer you guys some tips I was offered recently while I was chatting with “Darren,” a sophisticated older man who seemed to know what he was talking about. (He also told me an extremely scandalous anecdote about meeting some women while honky-tonkin’; maybe I’ll write it up as a post if I can ever decipher my notes.)
Tips for guys:
— “Be selective of your button-down shirts.”
— “Shop like a girl” by trying everything on, instead of just picking up your size. He adds that if you like something but it doesn’t fit quite right, “don’t be afraid to alter.” This is solid advice, because chicks hate it when your clothes are ill-fitting.
— “Don’t look like you just got a haircut.” This means your hair is supposed to look natural and lived-in, even if you did just get a haircut. If this very concept sounds like a paradox that is blowing your mind, it could mean that your stylist is crappy.
Tip for ladies:
— “I think there’s a lot of guys that like opaque stockings.” I advised him that these are often referred to as “tights.”
— In a store, “you can learn how to change price tags.” Shopping on a budget! I neither endorse nor denounce this practice.
There you have it. For everyone who didn’t get laid in 2008, I am wishing you the best of luck in the new year. Go get ’em! But if you’ve been getting lucky already, please submit your New Year’s Eve CTGML tales to me.
*******SPECIAL APOLOGY: I’m sorry I referred to the Peace Corps as “faggotty.” I don’t know what I could have been thinking.
This entry was posted on January 2, 2009 at 6:52 am and is filed under clothes, metadiscourse, Sex, Shopping on a budget. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.