“I Don’t Think it Was a Great Idea, But it Was Pretty Hot”
A church sign I drive past on the way to my house is claiming that A CHRISTMAS WITHOUT CHRIST IS NO CHRISTMAS AT ALL. I am sure many of my readers disagree with that sentiment; instead, many of you might feel that a Christmas without hot gay sex is no Christmas at all. Does that make you any less of an American? No! There’s no red America and blue America; there’s no “real” America and “fake” America. Our union was founded on the idea of personal freedom. Whether your lifestyle is based on a tight-knit nuclear family, a loving gay relationship, or going to Paris and screwing a bunch of 90-year-old whores like Ben Franklin did, nobody has the right to put down your values.
So if you hate going home for the holidays because it’s so boring, perhaps you can take inspiration from today’s story. “Walter” describes himself as “a bisexual, atheist, vegetarian, college student, liberal South Carolinian. Thought it was a stereotype until you got to that last bit, uh huh.” Oh, no! This country’s demographic map is shifting! The Republican party has lost the trust of the citizens! The only way to get Walter to understand traditional “South Carolina” values is for William Kristol to write another of his insightful articles. William Kristol had better hurry, because Walter really needs it:
“I was visiting my dad over Thanksgiving break and quickly grew weary of my stepmother, who has hair resembling calcified 7-layer dip. I went over to a friend’s apartment to have a few drinks, one of these never-left-the-hometown wretches who ends up working at a CostCo ‘distribution center,’ suddenly drops the ‘g’ off of the end of every word, and develops killer abs.”
Walter explains that “we were good friends in high school who grew apart during college. It got awkward with him for a number of reasons — we only really saw each other when we were going to hook up, and he has turned into a bit of a stoner over the years (not my style).” But Killer Abs texted him at 10 p.m. asking him if he wanted to come over for a few drinks, and he ended up going over there a few hours later.
Over at the apartment, under the influence of “a few too many Svetka and tonics,” Walter “made the first move. We were watching TV in his living room and it was clear neither of us was incredibly interested in what was on. I suggested that we move upstairs and he was happy to oblige.” These small-town guys “ended up doing some not-so-small-town sorts of things. This is all unbeknowdst to my frat-tastic college boyfriend, with whom I was supposed to spend the day (albeit secretly) just a few hours later.” Here’s Walter had on:
— Express Men’s producer pants (gray; they won’t let me download their images!)
— a cornflower blue cashmere Banana Republic sweater over a white tee
Or is this more of a cornflower blue?
— Ralph Lauren boxer briefs, also gray
This picture makes me very nervous, and I don’t much care for it. However, I suppose that’s what “killer abs” really look like.
That’s more like it!
Walter concludes, “I didn’t end up seeing the boyfriend until the next day. Everything’s been fine. He’s a great guy. I don’t think Killer Abs was a great idea, but it is what happened, and it was pretty hot. Killer Abs, for the record, was wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, and a pair of tennis shoes (he had worked earlier in the day). Blue collar chic? Is that a phrase?” I would think so, yes, but when I did a Google image search on “blue collar fashion” I came upon this, one of the least blue-collar looks of all time: