Haters Wanna Hate, Lovers Wanna Love, I Don’t Even Want None of the Above (I Want to Shop)
A few weeks ago (During the election! It seems so long ago — like a dream, almost) I tried to stir up trouble with an insulting post about Joe the Plumber. My remarks about this important American political figure concerned his bad clothes, his irrational hatred of a three percent tax hike, and what I perceived as his desperate need for some pussy. I hoped people (starting with Joe himself) would get mad, and the political blogosphere would start buzzing about my website.
Possibly JtP is less of an egomaniac than I thought, because that never happened. But yesterday I managed to start a controversy anyway! A classy lady at Salon.com argues that my blog is “stupid” and “annoying” because it promotes materialism. Do I have an ongoing beef with Salon now? Are second-wave feminists even more thin-skinned and irritable than Joe Wurzelbacher? You be the judge, as I share some of the wit and wisdom of “Judy Berman,” along with my own rebuttals.
— There’s just something pathetic about the idea that sex appeal is something you can go out and purchase, whether the cash you’re shelling out is for breast implants or a $372 pair of riding boots.
Most of the stuff I post about isn’t expensive. That’s because so many of the people who submit stories to me are total cheapskates who only get clothes when a friend gives something away, or their old roommate leaves it at their place by mistake. I did a poll on this back in September, and almost 75 percent of my readers reported they were shopping at cheap places, or not at all. However, most of what this “Berman” has to say is really about my the post “This Is a Public Service Announcement — With Vaginas!” that I linked to above. Therefore, I suspect this modern-day Carl Bernstein did not read very many of my posts.
More importantly, people who are self-righteous about how little they spend on clothes have got to go. Saving up to buy something lovely and durable will build character.
Also, it’s helpful to me to hunt for products online and then post pictures of them, because it is a sort of “virtual shopping,” and staunches some of my raging desire to buy new items. It’s less like “retail porn,” more like retail methadone.
Never mind that a recession seems like a particularly inappropriate moment to push the idea that consumerism leads to fulfillment.
Well, in all fairness, I started this website in July, and unlike the far-seeing humanists who were running the country at the time, I did not predict that the stock market was going to crash. When that happened, I was like “LOL, now I’ll never get a book deal.”
At the heart of what bugs me about the Clothes That Got Me Laid is the lip service it pays to third-wave feminism.
I tried to come up with a clever zinger about this; I was going to be like “I paid lip service to your MOM last night!” Then I said to myself, “no, that doesn’t really work.” But I showed the article to my colleague in the English department, and she said “I think this woman is engaged in a strong misreading.” That’s like the harshest snap of all time, so I felt better.
Could someone remind me again what those three things have to do with decking yourself out in other people’s outfits because you don’t have the confidence to snag a bed buddy all by your cute, smart, witty self?
I encourage my readers to come up with their own fun, interesting outfits, just like the folks who write in to me have done. Judging from the e-mails I get, my readers are creative people, and they’re also talented writers.
***** Extra bonus misconception:***** Dudes who are like “men don’t care what you wear, they just want to see you naked.”
I know that’s not true, and here’s how. I have a referral log thingy that tells me what search terms people use to find this website. The most popular search terms that show up are variations on “knee socks sex” and “fucking in thigh boots story.” People are also looking for pics of women in wet dresses, underwear, and t-shirts. If men did not notice, care about or register clothes, they would not want women to be embellished in any way. If all these would-be masturbators cared about was seeing naked women, they could simply perform an internet search on “porn”; something would probably come up.
I’ll close with a video for my favorite song of the moment. It’s Darryl Hall and John Oates in 1976. They were some of the best-looking guys and best singers around, so they had no reason to doubt their cute, smart, witty selves. Hall, in particular, never seemed to lack confidence (seriously, have you ever read an interview with that dude? So cocky). He could have worn any old thing to this concert, but instead, he has availed himself of the classic hot-girl combination of knee boots over skinny jeans. It looks great! Do you think he got laid that night?
This entry was posted on December 10, 2008 at 8:48 am and is filed under alcohol, Boots, clothes, Fashion, metadiscourse, Shopping on a budget. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.