“Maybe I Should Try Fucking Him Out of My System”; or, If This Is a Casual Encounter, Then Why Am I All Dressed Up?

— Thanks to Bust.com , Blog of the Day Awards and something called Pinkblog for giving me props.

— Encouragingly, Barack Obama agrees with me on another important issue.  He spoke a few days ago, in reference to Bill Richardson, on the attractiveness of beards.  Is he never wrong?

Lots of people besides Barack and me like to give out fashion tips, though.  One of them is “Claudette,” who sent me an e-mail with some suggestions for what to wear on a date “if [its] entire purpose is to have sex” — I like to call this “indoor dating.”   We first heard from Claudette in September; she described herself as plain in appearance, yet had a steamy several-night stand with her ideal man.  Then he proceeded to break her heart, or something, by being too crazy for a relationship.

In the intervening time, she’s been working on getting over “Brooklyn” (so called because that is where he lives).  Going well?  “Proceeding poorly, thanks for asking.”  Not for any lack of effort on her part, though.  Claudette pursued the classic post-breakup stratagems of “crying silently at my desk at work, crying to any friend who would listen, crying myself to sleep every night for three weeks straight, and changing up the routine by occasionally drinking myself into a stupor.”

Back in the day, when I was coming up, it would have been customary for a young lady to add some ice cream to this regimen.   But technology is changing the way we live our lives!  For example, in the Renaissance, before those cranks that make ice cream were invented, a spurned woman didn’t even have ice cream to console herself with; back then, if you wanted a simple dessert, you had to spend hours boiling figs, rosewater and sugar into a syrupy paste.  If you wanted pizza, you had to start with curds.  What Claudette had in mind, though, was even better than pizza and ice cream.  She reasoned to herself as follows:

“If one dude wanted to fuck me, maybe others do.

“Maybe I should try fucking him out of my system.”

Thanks to today’s modern internet technology, it was fairly efficient to do this.  “Fucking him out of my system was a two-pronged and simultaneous attack.  (In retrospect, I have no idea where I got the mental, physical, and emotional energy to do this–I was tremendously depressed.)  My first method of fucking Brooklyn out of my system was to trawl Casual Encounters.  I don’t recommend it — you never know what you’re going to get.  My second method of fucking Brooklyn out of my system was to create a profile on an ‘adult personals’ site.  This was the better approach.  Low pressure, low time commitment, the guys fight for your attention as opposed to the other way around.”

“I’ll boast a little here and say that though each method has its drawbacks, through trial and error I now have two numbers in my phone right now that I could call and say, “What are you doing tonight?  Me?  OK, great.  See you at 10.”  As someone who is ‘fat, frumpy, and plain,’ if you had told me a year ago that that would be the case, I would have told you you were out of your damn mind.”

As Claudette points out, your clothes have less work to do in getting you laid in these circumstances:  “You don’t really have to think about putting the goods on display to catch a random person’s attention.”  But tarting yourself up in a subtle way “helps to get the fella in the mood.”  I once referred to my friend Isaac in these pages as an “elder statesman of pussy”; Claudette apparently now fancies herself a sort of elder states(wo)man of penis.  She offers up some advice on the foolproof outfit for indoor dating:

— Black matte jersey wrap dress OR black jersey pullover dress with an empire waist and cutaway shoulders (easy off, easy on, no fussy buttons or zippers, shows off the tits).

Black jersey dress

Black jersey dress

Diane von Furstenburg wrap dress

Diane von Furstenburg wrap dress

Black lace bra from Land’s End.  (Sexiest bra I own, I get nothing but compliments on it, I SWEAR TO GOD.)

— Black cotton spanky panties (you know, those boy short type things, but I have a big ass and they show off the bottom curve of my butt quite nicely)

Victoria's Secret boyshorts

Victoria's Secret boyshorts (they have them in black, too)

— Hot pink patent peep toe Mary Janes from J.Crew

J. Crew pink patent mary janes

J. Crew pink patent mary janes

The rationale is as follows:  “Both dresses are sexy, but not SO sexy that to wear them in daylight screams ‘walk of shame.  I could wear either to the office or out with a friend for brunch the next day if it came to it.  Men particularly seem to like untying the wrap dress and whipping it off me, like tearing the wrapping off a present.  Plus both dresses can go in the washer, in case anything spills on them.”  LOL, what would spill on them?  “The undies coordinate but aren’t matchy-matchy, and the shoes are fun, whimsical, and dudes seem to get off on the naughty schoolgirl aspect of the Mary Janes.”

Advertisements

3 Responses to ““Maybe I Should Try Fucking Him Out of My System”; or, If This Is a Casual Encounter, Then Why Am I All Dressed Up?”

  1. "Claudette" Says:

    LOL, what would spill on them?

    Ha ha, I was trying to be genteel 🙂

  2. Wrap dresses are awesome to get laid in because they’re so easy to take off. The problem comes when it gets cold and I have to start wearing them with tights, which are awkward.

    Most cold weather clothing is awkward to remove. This is annoying, because when it’s cold outside you really need someone to keep you warm.

  3. Mmmmm. Jersey- my favorite state.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: