“You Know He’s Gay, Right?”
According to my recent Halloween-themed poll, a significant plurality of you (42%) think that “creative” costumes are the sexiest ones. Anecdotal evidence corroborates this view. The other night I was at a bar, and I talked to a gentleman who has a Gumby costume that he wears for his DJ gigs (and other festive occasions). According to “George,” “when I put the Gumby outfit on, I gotta have a bodyguard,” because “girls wanna fuck Gumby.”
Unfortunately, all his Gumby-related stories fall under the heading of “the clothes that got away.” He says he’s never sealed the deal while wearing the suit because the women all insisted he keep it on during sex. This claim strains credulity somewhat. It appears he kept telling me to trust him, because I have “trust me” written down in my notebook. If you have a Halloween costume story with more action in it, let me know.
We’ve heard from Ariana before: In September, she became involved in a drug- and alcohol-fueled ménage-à-trois, which turned into more of a ménage-à-two-and-a-half when the guy “[had] trouble keeping it up.” Actually, it may not even have been that; it may have just been a big ol’ dyke carpet-munching session. Nevertheless, her latest adventure involves a red-blooded, pro-America, patriotic heterosexual male, and she was kind enough to send an e-mail about it.
It all started when a fashiony friend of hers, “Coco,” held a vintage clothing sale in her dorm. “They had balloons and a mannequin and a cotton candy machine.” Coco was selling some amazing thrift-store finds, and Ariana bought a pale green Iris Singer blazer.
(Green Iris Singer jacket for sale here; the blazer pictured above is the wrong brand and color, but looks cool.)
Soon after, “my roommate showed up, bringing her friend — let’s call him Rodney — and his ex-girlfriend. This is where things get weird. I hooked up with Rodney for about a week earlier this semester, at which point he lost interest. Later he declared his love to my roommate (that explains it) and they had sex, after which she told him that she couldn’t date him. And of course there was the ex-girlfriend. This made three-quarters of everyone he had ever slept with in one room. I felt a little sorry for him.”
One attendee of the sale did manage to impress her. “While my roommate and Rodney’s ex made their purchases — and they did buy some very cute things — Rodney sat down and made conversation with ‘Sigmund,’ who had earlier purchased a very cute tennis jacket I’d been considering.”
“Everyone went down for a smoke. Roommate and company were planning on heading back to the dorm and then going to a club. I was trying to decide. I had plans with a hook-up I’ll call Roland later that night, and going back home seemed like a waste of travel.” She also didn’t want to deal with awkwardness between her and Rodney. “Sigmund told me to come back upstairs because he had vodka. That was good enough.”
“We went back to the sale and hung out in the kitchen, where we ate cotton candy and took shots out of mini teacups. It was fun and at some point in all of this Sigmund revealed that he was heterosexual.” Straight guys who know they seem gay often have very blatant ways that they do this, like they bring up their ex-girlfriend constantly for no apparent reason. On the other hand, gay guys who know they seem gay will sometimes use the same tactic, so you have to be cautious. Ariana agrees: “I didn’t quite believe him. He’d been alternating between a bad French accent and a very gay voice all night. Also, he was at a vintage clothing sale.” However, “as soon as we had the kitchen to ourselves we started making out.”
“Of course, a drunk chick stumbled in a few seconds later, apologized for catching us, and proceeded to tell us about how her parents love her sister more than her. She was tiny and she’d had six shots of vodka, so this was understandable.” It was time to leave. “We said our goodbyes and went to catch the train. While were walking Roland called, and I had to tell him I was too drunk to make it.” Poor Roland, I suppose, couldn’t compete with this faggy alpha male.* They went back to her dorm, but the roommate, Rodney and his ex hadn’t left for the club, and were still hanging around.
*Guys, please don’t get mad at me for using an offensive word. I’m a queer ally, and I meant “faggy” in an affectionate way. Vote no on Proposition 8!
Ariana passed the time by drinking some beer. When she went to use the bathroom she encountered her roommate, straightening her hair.
“‘You know he’s gay, right?’ she said.
‘Apparently not,’ I said.
Ariana soon found out; “they departed for the club, and me and Sigmund got down to business. After this he fell asleep, which annoyed me because I don’t like sleeping with people. I always feel like there are too many limbs, and college beds are too small.” Girlfriend, you ain’t just talkin’ trash! How does anyone put up with college dorms? They make it so difficult to ever have sex, or lead any sort of civilized life. Ariana lives in a suite, but often you have to share a bedroom with someone — and the bedroom is also your living room (?!?). Then there are all kinds of rules against things like using pushpins and boiling water in a hot-pot and hanging tapestries on the walls. College students love tapestries. It’s torture.
Anyway, “I hung out in the common room. I drank three bottles of water to ward off the hangover, and heated up some baked beans. In the morning, I gave him directions home, as well as my number. We’ll see how that goes.” The end… or just the beginning? Ariana was wearing a pair of “ancient,” flared Lucky jeans and a tight black top from Forever 21. She threw on her new blazer over the outfit, and when she showed it to her suitemates, “they asked me if it was my favorite thing I’d brought home that night.”