The Cologne That Got Me Laid: A Story of Betrayal and Revenge
I started this website because I love stories with happy endings, but today’s story demonstrates that sometimes, even tawdry sex isn’t enough to mend a broken heart. For that reason, it’s pretty depressing. If you’ve even been hurt by a mean mistreater, you will know how our protagonist feels. “Roland” is a musician and business owner living in Austin, Texas. I talked to him about the cologne that got him laid. But first, a lengthy backstory.
It all started a couple of years ago, when Roland was out one night at his local scuzzy dive bar — I’ll call it “The Bucket of Blood.” He was playing pool, and “Sophia” struck up a conversation with him. He had put a certain song by Interpol on the jukebox and she complimented him on it, like “no one plays this song!” She was wearing a Gang of Four t-shirt, so he could see she had good taste in music. He was immediately struck with her. Besides, he had recently gotten a divorce after many years of marriage, so when she kissed him at the end of the night, it was a big deal: “I had not kissed another woman in fifteen years.”
Roland and Sophia started seeing each other, and they were inseparable right away. Their first date lasted about a week, and he wanted to be with her all the time. She seemed crazy about him too — she was always giving him presents and doing thoughtful stuff for him. One of the ways she would get him gifts was to steal bottles of expensive cologne from the perfume counter at Macy’s, where she worked. Her favorite cologne to smell on him was Calvin Klein Eternity, so he would wear it when they got together.
The were in love, they were having great sex, they were defrauding a large corporation of luxury goods. Nothing could go wrong, it seemed. Then one day he noticed that she had a ring on her engagement-ring finger. (He didn’t spot it right away because she wore a lot of rings.) When he asked her about it, she said she had a long-standing relationship with another guy, “Ted.” She wasn’t interested in Ted anymore, but she felt too guilty to break things off with him entirely, or something. Was this guy, or was he not, her fiancé? Apparently not, because she told Roland that “it means nothing, I want to be with you.” She took off the ring, and everything seemed fine.
Then one day, about a month after they met, she was over at his apartment. She said she was going home to feed her cats, but she didn’t come back, and then he got a call from her saying “I can’t see you anymore.” She was going back to Ted! Roland was not only devastated, but very confused. When he talked to mutual friends about it, they said she was always raving about how much she loved Roland, and bitching about how much she hated Ted.
Accordingly, she changed her mind almost right away. Because he was still “stupidly, so crazy about this girl,” Roland took her back as soon as the opportunity presented itself. He attributes her weird behavior to the fact that she was insecure and “wanted all these different things.” He just wanted to make her happy! A few weeks later, he came up with what seemed like a great way to do that. She had been saying she wanted to leave Austin, so when he got a job offer in San Diego, he offered to take her with him. It was a computer programming job, and would have paid so well that Sophia wouldn’t have to work if she didn’t want to. (Which she totally didn’t. You can’t get all judgmental about that, though. Do you want to work? I certainly don’t.)
They had fallen in love fast, and now they were making plans fast. Just a few days after they made their final decision to go to San Diego, they were ready to leave. On the day the move was supposed to take place — it was a Sunday morning — Roland woke up to find her gone. He called her, she was with Ted, and she would only say “don’t call me ever again.” Not only did she refuse to explain herself, but she called the cops on him! It seems she told them some lie about him threatening to kill her mother (??). The next day they showed up and served him with a restraining order.
How do you explain something like this? Roland says he always tells people that he loves his town because he meets the nicest people there, but “I also met the meanest fucking person in the world.”
Finally, the part about the cologne that got him laid. By now “pissed and bitter as hell,” one night Roland ended up back at the Bucket of Blood, flirting with a gal named “Monica.” She was already sleeping with another habitué of the same bar, and to make things more complicated, that dude was also fucking another of the regulars. If you’ve ever had a bar where “everybody knows your name,” perhaps you know how those places are. “Where everybody knows what you look like naked,” is more like it. Roland didn’t care about any of that stuff; he was just out for some angry revenge sex. When Monica complimented him on his Calvin Klein Eternity, remarking that “you smell really good,” it made it seem all the more like he was getting back at his ex: “Fuck you, Sophia! The cologne you got me is gonna get me laid!”
Maybe the cologne could have worked its magic repeatedly, but he didn’t keep it long enough to find out. Shortly thereafter, he boxed up all the stuff Sophia had given him and left it at her place, because he couldn’t deal with having it around. He’s a good guy, and one hopes that soon he will find someone who’s crazy about him, instead of just crazy. Roland concluded his tale of woe with a provocative claim about relationships: he says the best thing about them is “holding hands.” I was dubious, so I’m going to let you vote on it. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POLL IN CTGML HISTORY.