“She Actually Ripped the Dress Off Me”
Just a note: I am going to post a new post soon, like tomorrow, but not right now. Usually when I tell people I’m “really busy,” I’m lying to make them stop bothering me, but this week I actually have been really busy! It is terribly unpleasant.
“Anaïs” is a biologist living in Manhattan. I know, NYC again, but that’s where today’s androgynous, polymorphously perverse singles are living. Anaïs the ex-girlfriend of one of the ladies I’ve already written about, as well as an old college friend of mine; I talked to her on the phone about her experiences wearing a certain H&M dress. She describes this item, which she got last summer, as a sort of “industrial jumper,” with a belt and pockets. Anaïs is more of a pants-wearer, but says the dress “has powers.” In fact, she’s had so many adventures in it that it qualifies for holy grail status. She obligingly sent in a picture of herself wearing it:
She first wore it to a party held by the Lesbian Sex Mafia on the gay, clothing-optional section of Queens’s Jacob Riis beach. I didn’t even know such a beach existed, but now I want to go. I wasn’t sure if they would allow in a person such as myself, but Anaïs says they do not screen out heterosexuals in any meaningful way, and that I could get in by claiming to have “a raging case of gaybies.” I think that’s what she said, at least; when I conducted this interview I had just woken up from a nap, plus I have bad hearing, so I had to keep yelling “WHAT?” at her. People find it really charming when I do this. After the Lesbian Sex Mafia beach thing, she and her friend went to a different party, and there they met two other gals and all four of them ended up all making out together.
The next time she wore the dress, she was in Austin, Texas for a music festival (Austin City Limits, I think). She and three other ladies were staying in a friend’s efficiency apartment. Not a lot of privacy, which was unfortunate, because one of the other guests was her hot ex-girlfriend “Leda.” A clever subterfuge was needed. Here’s what Anaïs came up with: “I can’t find my glasses! I think they’re in the bathroom! Leda, come to the bathroom with me and help me find them.”
Leda thought her dress was really hot, so they had sex with her in it. They spent about an hour in there “finding her glasses.” Anaïs can confirm that “they weren’t up my vagina.” They weren’t up her friend’s vagina, either. (Me: “Did you find any other stuff up there?”)
That afternoon, she went to visit “Cassandra,” another friend in town (“the kind of friends that sometimes sleep together”), and she loved the dress too! So much so that “she ripped it off me, so that the buttonholes were actually ripped,” and it had to be repaired afterward.
Anaïs hasn’t worn the dress that many times, but “it almost always led to sex, and very good sex.” Here’s another example. She met got asked out on a date by “Lawrence,” a guy she mat at a housewarming party, after she walked up to him and pointed out that they were both wearing western-style snap-up shirts. When they first met “I thought he was gay, but apparently not, or not entirely.”
Update: I thought she said they went to a gay bar on their date, which would have made the story more hilarious, but it was a regular old dive bar. She wore the amazing dress with a pair of black and brown-striped kneesocks, and it caused her to get hit on immediately by two dudes in an annoying, overly aggressive way. Lawrence was jealous that she was getting more attention than him. What do you suppose happened after they left the bar? That’s right: He asked her to keep the kneesocks on during sex. Human behavior has consistent, predictable rules! How reassuring.