“We Said We’d Have Sex With Them If They’d Make Out With Each Other”

How come all my e-mail submissions come from young college women living in major American cities? I am overjoyed to know that this demographic appreciates my aesthetic vision, and I’m also glad that college gals are ignoring the haters and exploring their sexuality. I just want to represent a broader range of human experience. As examples, the following are some possible types of people I would like to hear from:

— A 45-year-old single dad living in a hardscrabble Nevada mining town

— An Amish teen going through rumspringa

— Tenured academics who hold wife-swapping parties with cocaine and Château Margaux (do people do this anymore since the 70’s?)

— A gay naval officer on board a submarine (please send me these even if you don’t remember what you were wearing)

“Ariana” is a student at a college located in a well-known northeastern metropolis. Her story is exceptional in its way, though: She wrote in to tell me that “last night, I found myself in a threesome.” To understand how it happened, we have to go back to the beginning of the evening. She went to visit friends in their dorm wearing a dark blue tank top from Forever 21 and a denim miniskirt; according to her, this cute outfit was rendered “sort of fugly” by weird tights, about which more later.

Forever 21 knit top

Forever 21 knit top

Citizens of Humanity denim mini

Citizens of Humanity denim mini

(Another option here.)

She and her friends “played Apples to Apples and ate cookies and somewhere in all of this I ended up extremely drunk.” Apples to Apples is fucking awesome, by the way, especially for drunk people who can’t deal with some complicated bullshit like chess. Eventually “it was time to stumble back to my dorm. My friends wanted me to stay or allow someone to walk me home, but I like waking up with my own toothbrush and I hate inconveniencing people, so I walked back alone. I stopped and bought some coffee to sober myself up with, and I got back just fine.”

Ariana was freshly caffeinated and ready for the second stage of her evening. Often the best adventures happen in this type of after-party scenario, when you thought you were about to go to bed. In this case, “I stepped off the elevator on my floor and got pulled into the dorm across from the elevator, where the girls who lived there were being visited by three guys. I’ve seen these boys around a lot — they’re always in that particular room, and they never close the door — but I’d never been introduced. I met them, and they seemed cool.” Were they hot? Let’s assume so. “I had two cans of Coors Light or something equally nasty.” Another key to successful partying is to keep drinking after you think you’ve hit a wall and need to stop. Most of the time this is absolutely disastrous, but when it works, it can allow you to “break on through to the other side” into a new world of drunkenness.

Ariana and two of the dudes decided they wanted to go smoke, so they rode the elevator downstairs. At this point Ariana’s e-mail veered off into rationalizations about how she doesn’t actually smoke, but does sometimes on weekends. She refers to the dudes as N. and O., so I’ll call them Orange Julius and Negroni, after the drinks. “In the elevator we met J. {“Juniper”}, a girl who recognized me because we lived in the same dorm last year. We all sat around and smoked.”

But why smoke cigarettes when you could be smoking weed? They all wanted some, and Juniper had a connection, “so she made the call. We all started walking to the dorm where her friend lived.” At some point during the walk, Ariana and Juniper started making out. Naturally this made the boys very happy. “Me and Juniper told them that we’d have sex with them if they’d make out with each other. I’d met this girl half an hour before, but we made an amazing team.” When I was in college my friends and I were always trying to get guys to make out.

After a brief detour to get high with the drug dealer, they took a taxi back to the guys’ place. “Me and Juniper made out for the entire trip. Back in Negroni and Orange Julius’s room, we continued to make out but told them nothing more would happen until they kissed. They begged us to be kind. We refused. Finally, they did kiss. Orange Julius left, and we got it on with Negroni and each other. Mostly each other, because Negroni was very drunk and was having trouble keeping it up.”

Strangely enough, Ariana doesn’t seem too upset about the lack of male participation. This could be the beginning of a new way of life for her. From the guy’s perspective, though, it’s a poignant catch-22. If you drink too much you might have to sit out the first or only ménage-a-trois of your life, but without heavy drinking, you are unlikely to get into one at all. Finally, the young man fell asleep and the ladies returned to their rooms.

Just as I requested, Ariana surveyed the disheveled clothes on her floor this morning and decided to e-mail me. “That was the first time I wore those divinely unflattering tights, and it probably be the last because I tore them really badly while putting them back on.” The tights were bad because, while they appeared opaque in the package, when worn they revealed horizontal stripes of a more transparent black. Who wants that? I hate how it’s almost damn impossible to find decent black tights. They’re always trying to trick you into buying ones that look black but are actually dark brown, or navy, or have some retarded pattern or something, and then if they are black, they’re never opaque enough. Last winter I found some amazing ones, so I’m going to link to them here.

Black tights

Black tights

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3 Responses to ““We Said We’d Have Sex With Them If They’d Make Out With Each Other””

  1. I also really like these tights that I purchased at Anthropologie–even the yellow is very opaque and quite lovely.

  2. I have thick, very opaque black tights that I stole from a roommate five years ago and still wear regularly. I think they’re from Limited or Gap or something. Look into it!

  3. Nice bllog right here! Alsso your web sige a lot upp very
    fast! What host are you using? Can I am getting your affiliate hyperlink to your
    host? I wish my website loaded up as fast ass yours lol

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