“When I Want Some Action, It’s My Go-To Shirt”

Yesterday someone found this website by searching on the question “Is it normal to masturbate in high heels?” I said I wasn’t gonna do jokes about the search terms, so I will treat this as a request for advice. Yes, it’s normal as hell! One caveat, though, drawn from my own experience: I have incipient bunions, so I have to save the high heels for activities that are a little bit more formal. Many people are like me, in that they’re prone to foot problems, and if that’s you, wearing bad shoes can aggravate them. Therefore, if there’s an activity that takes up a lot of your time, make sure the pumps you wear to do it are high-quality, with proper cushioning and arch support. It can be tempting to get a bunch of cheap shoes at Payless, but then you end up with plantar fasciitis or a bone spur or something down the road. Your coworkers are all wanting to know why you’re limping and you’re like “oh, it’s my sports injury,” and they’re like “oh, what’s your sport?” and you’re like “hey, I think I hear my cell phone going off.”

But, some of you are asking, “What about the kind of sex where there’s more than one person involved? Are people still into that, or what?” “Molly,” the subject of today’s story, is qualified to talk about that. I got a tip from Evadne that Molly has an amazing shirt capable of getting her laid every time she wears it, and it turned out to be true!

Molly lives in Houston and works as a legal case manager. She acquired the top about two years ago. It’s a long, white, one-shoulder top, with a gold hoop holding together the two sides of the shoulder strap. At first she thought it was just a nice, flattering shirt, albeit one that did a good job of showing off her best features. (For example, “my tits are nice and firm.” Some people really have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to locate their best feature, like “oh, the corners of my mouth are really cute,” so it’s nice that she can be certain about this.) She first got a a hint of its special powers the first time she wore it; her then-boyfriend was over at her house, he had friends stopping by, and he made her put a sweater on over it because he didn’t want them to see her in it.

One-shoulder white top, although not the same one

One-shoulder white top, although not the same one

A few weeks later, she wore it to attend a tennis tournament. She was on her way out, and she heard steps behind her: Some guy was running up to her, all out of breath and excited to be like “hey, do you like tennis, do you want to go out to a match some time?” Months passed, she broke up with her boyfriend, and it became her go-to shirt if she was “looking for some action.” I asked her approximately how many guys she had pulled with the shirt’s help, and she said five. That is a respectable number.

More broadly, though, the shirt always attracted male attention, “like it’s got a magnet in it.” In fact, she had to learn not to wear it “unless I want to be harassed.” Hey, this isn’t fair. The rest of us are just trying to find jeans that don’t create too much plumber’s crack, and Molly has a fucking magic amulet? I thought income inequality in the U.S. made me mad, but this is ten times worse. However, if you are a chick lit writer, you can probably make some money by using this as the premise for a novel. You could market it to publishers as “SATC meets The Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties,” or “Harry Potter for sluts.”*

* N.B. I do not support using the word “slut” to stigmatize people with many sex partners. I only used it because I got upset. I am sorry.

From now on I’m suggesting that we refer to a fail-safe article of clothing like as a “Holy Grail.” It’s a term that sneaker collecters use. There must be more of them out there. Anyway, Molly was also wearing the shirt when she met her current boyfriend. Friends set them up on a blind date, they had a friendly time chatting at a bar, he kissed her, and then they decided to go back to his place. “It all went really, really smoothly.” This is such a dog-bites-man story, it’s ridiculous. I suppose that’s what dating is like when nothing awkward or terribly outré happens, but in any case, “that’s what you get when you wear the shirt.” Where did this goddamn shirt come from, you ask? Did the Knights Templar bring it back from the Crusades? No: She got it at J. Crew, deeply discounted. At first she couldn’t remember what drew her to it, but then she recalled that a gay salesman picked it out for her. My theory is that your holy grail item has to be picked out for you by someone else, like a Harry Potter magic wand.

It’s also noteworthy that when I caught up with Molly on the phone, she was in the middle of packing to go to Costa Rica with her boyfriend. Fuck getting laid; Evadne and I wanted to know how you find a guy who will take you to Mexico {UPDATE, turns out CR is a separate country!}, rather than borrowing money from you and then never returning your calls. Did she play hard to get, I wanted to know? No! Not only did she ball him the first time they met, but their first date lasted 48 hours! Okay, I’m taking a stand right now. Fuck The Rules. Men are not that stupid; you can’t trick them into not liking you by fucking them on the first date. Yay! I’ll conclude with a poll.


4 Responses to ““When I Want Some Action, It’s My Go-To Shirt””

  1. This post is awesome. Very funny reading, esp. for coming home to after a bad date. I mean that entirely hypothetically.

  2. I have a lucky pair of high heels that make me feel like I can do anything and everytime I wear them out I get lucky.

  3. Costa Rica is not Mexico. Also, I have a green dress from American Apparel that definitely draws some attention.

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