“I’m Not Going to Say I Wore Her Down”

It’s easier to get accurate CTGML stories from ladies than men. Popular lore tells us that (straight) guys don’t care about or remember clothes, and maybe this is true. (Although if it is, why do they keep asking women to keep certain items on during sex?  Perhaps the magic of fashion is universal.) In today’s post, I face the challenge by presenting two compare-and-contrastable stories from men. Enjoy!

“Ernest” is a friend-of-a-friend whom I talked to at a party this weekend. He lost his virginity to his high-school sweetheart, who is now his fiancee. First of all, stories like this one about long-term relationships seem likely to provide unreliable data. Let’s say you’re the girlfriend in this scenario: It could be that you call the guy up and say “honey, I think tonight could be our special night, let’s take our relationship to the next level,” and then he shows up wearing Teva sport sandals, camouflage cargo pants, and one of those Jack Schitt t-shirts, but it’s too late to wuss out on your offer. So Ernest’s clothes probably didn’t matter, but I wanted to include this anyway, to show that human sexuality is about more than just random hookups. It’s multifaceted, like a diamond. One of the facets people like to hear about is the one where you do speedballs and screw your boss on a shuffleboard table, but what about supportive, trusting relationships that deepen over time? Aren’t they worthy of our attention?

The above is what “Ernest” and “Maude” had; they were dating for three years before they decided to go all the way. Ernest describes this as “a significant period of time.” I know that’s right! I could never stand it; I’m really impatient, like if I have to wait in line at the post office for three minutes in line at the post office, I go completely insane. One a side note, why is it that there’s always a long line at the post office, but they never have more than one window open? I can’t help but notice that their counter has three openings they could use to service their clients. By making a second window available — or even all three! — they could satisfy more people in a more efficient way. Maybe they are saving themselves some pain and inconvenience by denying us this extra service, but what about our needs? The postal service should know that they are not the only game in town. I will take my enormous packages elsewhere if USPS cannot or will not accommodate me. Hang on a second, I lost my train of thought.

Asked how he and Maude finally reached their decision, Ernest says “I’m not going to say I wore her down.” You know, I believe him. Instead, they had conversations in which they “talked about ‘it,'” and eventually she decided she was ready to do it. Their actual “grand opening” or whatever was pretty low-key, like a regular night of hanging out, and he thinks he was wearing Old Navy jeans and a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt.

Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt

Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt

Old Navy jeans

Old Navy jeans

See, I told you: not very fashion-forward. I wanted to present straight guys with “news they can use” on the dating scene, so I went to an experienced man of the world, “Isaac.” Isaac is Georgiana‘s life partner and baby’s dad. I was going to get the story of how the two of them met, but apparently it’s too scandalous even for these pages, so I asked what else he had.

Isaac says the only item he can remember as effective is the Doc Martens he was wearing when he asked out his (now) ex-wife. At the time (the early ’90s) he was in a graduate writing program in New York, and had made a New Year’s resolution to ask out a woman he liked in one of his classes. When he actually got around to doing it, in the hall after a reading, his timing was bad — she was feeling feverish and out-of-it. Nevertheless, she told him later that she had noticed the boots, and thought they were hot.

Classic Doc Marten boots

Classic Doc Marten boots

On their first date he took her to a restaurant that had margaritas, then they played a few games of pool, then they went to the White Horse Tavern to drink Guinness. That sounds like a pretty fucking good first date, actually. “The weird thing was,” he says, they didn’t actually have sex on that date. This was a tactical decision on his part, intended to show that his intentions toward her were serious. They did have sex on the second date, though.

Isaac’s days of random hookups are behind him, but he now seems to fancy himself some sort of elder statesman of pussy; he offered a slew of sartorial advice for males, of which I present the highlights. Besides Doc Martens, classic items he says will stand you in good stead in many areas of life are:

— a leather motorcycle jacket

— a serious overcoat, such as a trench or military coat

— pants that fit snugly enough to show off the ass

— understated male jewelry, like a leather bracelet. No documented cases yet of these getting anyone laid, but I like them, so what the hell, let’s link to some.

Men's leather bracelet

Men

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4 Responses to ““I’m Not Going to Say I Wore Her Down””

  1. I have a jester’s hat beanie. It’s black on the outside, purple within and has two dangly jester bits hanging from the top. On the end of one of these is a bell. On the end of the other is a tiny troll doll with bright blue hair (it’s meant to be on a key ring).

    I’ve woken up the morning after many a one night stand and had to search for it somewhere in whatever room I find myself in.

    It, really, is the only constant. No matter what clothing I wear, jeans, boots, sneakers, shorts, cargos, tshirts, hoodies, jackets, the beanie always stays and is always a starting point for conversation.

    Typically, if someone says, “nice hat” and expects an answer, I walk away (well, what else are my options? “Thanks”, “It is”, “Wanna fuck?”).

    However, if someone looks at the hat and has a better opening line that paves way for at least some minor discussion, usually things end well.

    Despite common misconception, I also do not wear the hat simply to attract attention, in fact, I’d rather people not comment on it at all. I wear it because I like it, and it jingles in time when I walk.

    I usually hang out at punky/rocky/metally/gothy clubs. That may also have something to do with it.

  2. "georgiana" Says:

    Well, I can testify to the effectiveness of the pants that hug the ass. They worked like a charm; “Isaac” garnered a lot of favorable attention from gay men as well–and I don’t know what better endorsement you could ask for in the realm of the sartorially assisted sexy time.

  3. Funny georgiana says Isaac garnered a lot of attention from gay dudes; His inalienable truths of clothing sound, well, kinda fruity. A good leather jacket, yes, but a frock coat? Ass-hugging pants? Dude jewelry? No, thank you.

  4. It’s a TRENCH coat, not a FROCK coat! Sheesh!

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