“He Bought Me TWO Wild Turkey and Sodas”
“Gudrun” is a graduate student in her 20s who spent the summer studying in a new town. You’d think one of the benefits of this situation would be that you could fuck all kinds of guys, without worrying that you’d have awkward encounters with them for the rest of your life. As she explains in an e-mail, though, it didn’t really work out that way, though. For one thing, “all the male students in our program were gay or married,” and they didn’t meet a lot of other dudes. It got so bad that Gudrun and her friend “Cho” had to motivate themselves with a bet: The first to make out with a dude would have a bottle of her favorite liquor bought for her by the loser. (Gudrun’s favorite liquor is Laphroaig single malt scotch, and Cho still hasn’t paid up.)
“So last Friday night, I was on my way to a graduate student party near campus. The important thing to realize about this town is that there’s a very large, steep hill between “downtown” and campus; a few blocks of it & you’re all sweaty, especially if it’s humid, like it usually is. I usually deal with this by stopping 2/3 of the way up at a bar I’ll call the Charterhouse, so that I can have a drink and de-sweatify myself while readying myself for the final push. While I was in there enjoying my drink & fanning myself, a couple of guys from the restaurant next door came in, and I struck up a conversation with a dude I’ll call “Chris” (his actual name!). He was kind of cute (he had a beard, which I love), plus he was wearing one of those mesh trucker hats, which I have always found kind of appealing. In my present circumstances, I felt this was more than good enough. Other facts I learned about Chris:
— He was from Maryland, but a southern-y part of it where people fix trucks & listen to Lynyrd Skynrd, which is SO DIFFERENT from the parts of Maryland I’m from.
— He works as a cook in a restaurant, but used to work in construction.
Fascinating! Also, he bought me not one but TWO Wild Turkey & sodas. Around midnight, I took him the rest of the hill to my party, but it seemed kind of superfluous, so we left shortly thereafter & rode out bikes down the hill. Back at my house, we encountered my housemate reorganizing Tupperware (??) in the kitchen, which struck me as uproariously funny. There are only 2 things I really remember vividly about having sex with Chris:
— I got sweat on a lot
— Unlike the last guy I slept with, he did NOT attempt to take my bra off over my head.
But! I went to the bathroom to pee & brush my hair, & when I got back, he already had all his clothes AND shoes on. Who leaves somebody’s house at 2:00 in the morning?? I was like “why don’t you just stay here?” and he gave some noncommittal answer, then was like “I’m sure I’ll see you around soon.” This was so intolerable that I made him take my e-mail address. (Eventually he e-mailed me, but the e-mail also just said “I’ll see you around soon,” so he might as well not have written it.)
Casual sex is supposed to improve one’s life and make one feel attractive; it cannot do that if someone behaves in such a way that you are left feeling like a prostitute. An UNSUCCESSFUL prostitute who didn’t even make any money. I am not some kind of free service, like the Smithsonian Institution, you know!”
Thanks, Gudrun. Here’s what she was wearing: